The Girls Go Out...

It has been such an interesting thing, going out with Casey in girl mode.  We move together as if we are a part of each other. One goes this way, the other slides in beside the one and it becomes a dance.   

The first thing - I slide my hand into Casey's.  Something I've done so many times before.  Her hands are softer than before.  Her fingernails are painted a sparkly purple, the tips worn showing her regular nails.   Her wedding ring is on her pinky finger and I smile to myself.  I lift her hand up to mine and kiss it and give her the biggest smile I could possibly give her.  In the back of my mind, I roll my eyes at the brief thought that if I keep smiling that big my eyes I'm going to start showing my age.    Casey looks down at me, smiling just as big.  Even in my wedge platform boots that I'm currently rocking, Casey is still so much taller than me.  We were an interesting duo pre-transition, him at 6'2" (6'4" in cowboy boots) and me at 5'1 3/4ths" (that 3/4ths is super super important, ya know), now if Casey is not clocked (or honestly even if he is) we make an even more interesting pair.  I just keep doing what I've always done, though.  I do me.   

I'm sure if I had been paying attention, people probably gave us funny looks back then.  Especially since I was constantly twirling and moving and dancing around Casey.  I still don't really sit or stand still.  Nor do I really walk anywhere without music constantly playing in my head.   I'm 43 years old and I'm just as bouncy and giggly as I was at 15.  I like that about myself.  Casey does too, apparently.  Don't think she'd stick around for 17+ years if she didn't.  

Back to our date, though...

We had purchased tickets to go see Dune a few weeks before.  I have always loved Dune.  I read it for the first time at the age of 9.  My Dad had it in his office at the college and whenever I was in there (and not playing on his typewriter) I would be curled up on this old wooden chair that had a curved back and very worn, almost torn leather cushion seat and the most uncomfortable armrests ever.   I didn't understand a thing about it, but my Dad saw me with it and he started telling me about it.  I was instantly sucked in by the story because it took place on another planet! And the guild navigators folding space?!  And then, of course, Lady Jessica.  She had my name.  I was Lady Jessica.  She was awesome.  She was a witch and her kid was the most important kid in the whole world.   I think Lady Jessica was one of my first true heroines.  At least, of who I could remember.   That's another topic though... 

Casey and I specifically planned a date afternoon.  We planned it for the middle of the week.  The movie theater would be pretty empty so there would be less of a chance for mean people.  This was going to be our first real date out and our first movie theater experience since the pandemic started.   We were going to make 100% sure that we were going to have a good time.   That meant we were going to do it up right!  

Casey was so nervous getting ready.  She did full make-up.  Foundation, blush, a purple smokey eye, lipstick.  She styled her hair and she put on a dress and bolero style sweater.  She was beautiful.  I watched her take about a dozen selfies, turning her head this way and that trying to get an angle she liked best.  I've created a monster! I chuckled to myself.  We had recently been on the couch, taking selfies next to each other, giggling the whole time and I was teaching Casey how to get the best angles.  

"Stick your chin out but tilt it out.  Now, swallow and when you swallow press your tongue to the top of your mouth. Or if you don't swallow, just press your tongue to the top of your mouth just behind your teeth.   Shoulders back, but not so you're a velociraptor."  I almost peed myself I had been laughing so hard when I was giving her a selfie class.  Casey, the girl that absolutely MUST master everything has been practicing.  Her selfie game is getting really really good.  

I love watching her take selfie after selfie.  Getting Casey to take or pose for a picture before beginning transition?  It was like pulling teeth.  Family pictures were often not good things.  I will admit, we have had some really awesome family pictures, but Casey has hated every one of them.  Some of my favorite pictures, ones I find artistic that feature Casey; Casey hated being the subject of my photos. He tolerated for me, but you could see in his eyes that he was not happy.  I use the terms he/his in this paragraph because at the time Casey was a he.  There is a difference - when I talk of the past it's the past Casey. He Casey.   Now, Casey is she/her. She was always in there, we just didn't know it.  

Casey follows me up the stairs to the movie theater.  She's visibly nervous as we go in and weave through the lines.  I try to tone down my excitement.  I'm sure Casey knew that I was nervous as well.  It was our first real outing in close quarters with other people.   I suddenly felt very protective of her.  I had to let go of her hand to pull up our tickets and order the popcorn.  I kept glancing at Casey.  I bet if I asked I was probably making her even more nervous.  I tried to kind of deflect and so I started to kind of bounce and over act.  I was thankful that I hadn't had my adderall that morning because I was able to embrace the music and bounce from foot to foot, doing my little dancy-dance.   Casey gave me this gentle look that said "Hey, you're being a little much. Can you please calm down because I've got a lot going on in here."  I toned it down, we got our popcorn and drink, and headed for the theatre.  

The seats were assigned and we found them pretty quickly.  There was a group of 4 people behind us.  They were discussing the proper way to pronounce Harkonnen and I instantly relaxed.   Anyone that nerdy can't not be inclusive.  And Dune fans? They're their own special breed. For some, Frank Herbert is their messiah.  (Yes, I'm a fan.  I thought we discussed this already.) Casey and I sat down, adjusting ourselves in our seats, finding the best place for the popcorn and soda.  The movie started, I curled myself around Casey's arm, wishing there was no armrest between us, but alas- that's where the soda was.  I kissed her shoulder as I have a million times before.  This time, though... This time was different.  Her skin was so incredibly soft.  It felt like mine.  

Casey started HRT in January 2021.  It's the end of November.  There have been so many changes.  I have so many conversations that I have recorded.  There are so many things that I want to share. There are so many questions that I have.  Do other people out there experience things the same way as we do? Why do so many people hate us? Why can't people just let people be? Why is there so much hate? How can I spread more love and light? 

Why was I thinking about this now?  I'm on a date.  For now, I need to just be.  I turn my head into Casey's shoulder and rub my cold nose on her shoulder.  Eskimo kisses style.  "My nose is cold," I whisper.   

"I know," she giggles back and gives me a little kiss on the head.   

I shrug happily and settle in.  It's date night.  It's been a while since we had one of these.  I kinda love this. I definitely love us.  I can't wait for more dates.