The Church of Bill & Ted
I started writing this whole big blog post a couple of days ago. It was all about how I have trouble not being in control of everything in my world, about how I got to be a control freak, and the steps that I'm taking to not continue being a control freak. Yes, I'm working with my therapist on this. But then, I started reading everything that I wrote and was like "What the hell does this have to do with anything trans?"
It didn't.
I think I was writing it because it's been on my brain (the aforementioned working on it with my therapist). I obviously can't control everything. If I could, I'm fairly sure that Casey would probably still be a man, would never have gone down the trans rabbit hole and would probably be riddled with worse anxiety that I could possibly imagine sprinkled in with days that he wouldn't be able to get out of bed due to depression. If I could control things, my Mom would never have suffered from dementia. If I could control things, I would have made my Dad retire this year and I would just snap my fingers and the grand-pod that we're planning on building would be already done. Oh, and my house would have an extra bedroom already.
Unfortunately, I can't control things. Casey may have a penis, but a penis does not make a man. I can't make people behave the way I think they should behave. I know in my brain how people SHOULD behave. Or at the very least, how I think they should behave. As much as I'd love to make people do what I want, that's never going to happen. I like to tell myself I'm okay with that. But then, I find out stuff and my brain wants to explode.
When this happens, I try and tell myself that the only thing that needs to be done is to follow the teachings of those excellent party animals, Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and his very good friend and hetero life mate, Ted Theodore Logan.
Be excellent to each other.
It's such a simple phrase and it's basically an updated version of the golden rule. Seriously, why can't people just be nice to each other? We live in such divisive times. You have half the country that doesn't want to wear a mask, doesn't want to be vaccinated, doesn't want me (or any uterus having peoples) to have the ability to have an abortion. People want to dictate the way I live, but when I ask for a modicum of respect and stick up for myself and tell someone that they aren't allowed to treat me or my family a certain way, then I am made out to be a bitch, a radical or something worse.
I feel like by sticking up for myself or my family and drawing that line in the sand where I demand respect, I am looked at like I am less than nothing, my voice doesn't count for anything.
It makes me feel very naive. It makes me feel like I don't understand the world. It's like I'm sitting here, watching everyone else screaming, telling me, other women and the entire LGBTQ community that we don't matter. That what we're doing, how we're living, how we are raising our children... I feel like the world is screaming that we're wrong. And I don't understand it?
Why does it matter that Casey's preferred pronouns are she/her? Why does it matter that she's on hormones? Why does it matter that she wants to look more feminine? Why does it matter than my oldest wants their pronouns to be they/them?
How is liking the same sex a bad thing? How is having a relationship with someone who is of the same gender (or sex for that matter - there's a difference gender is how you perceive yourself, sex is the actual parts) anyone's business but my own?
My thought on those trans and homophobic people? They really need to do some soul searching. How is someone having sex with someone else your issue? Sex is between the people having it. Y'all sitting out there waiving your posters, screaming your hate at the top of your lungs? Ask yourselves- why the fuck do you care what I do? Why do you care if someone who has male genetalia wears a dress, high heels, makeup, etc.
Do you, the people that I'm speaking about in the above paragraph, seriously think this impacts your life? Because it really doesn't. Seriously. I'm trying to keep calm and be nice and continue to try and abide by the whole be excellent to each other thing, but y'all are making it really really hard.
In 2021 there have already been more than 35 deaths of transgender people. The majority of those people? Black, transwomen. How is this even remotely okay?!
Most transgender people are at a higher risk for violence in general. They also face a greater risk for poverty. Many transgender people work in sex work because you walk into an interview or if you walk into work and tell your boss "Hey, I'm transitioning," and then proceed to ask them to use your pronouns, your new name and while I'm sure there are some awesome bosses out there, there is also a bunch out there that will dead name that person and be all around dicks.
If you're doing your job, you're good at your job, you complete the tasks given to you by your boss, what should it matter what you're wearing or how you look. You didn't hire the person because they're a man or a woman. You hired that person because they are the best candidate for the job.
At least, that's how I like to think it should go. I know it doesn't and that's why I feel very naive - why does it matter?
I am aware that sexism exists. I am aware that transphobia and homophobia exists. I just don't understand it.
I also don't understand how my 80 year old father, who grew up with parents (my grandparents) that made comments throughout my growing up using probably every racist slur in the book, is so much more accepting than Casey's own parents. Seriously, that hurts my brain the most of all.
I keep replaying that last conversation. Everything is boiled down to them saying they would accept Casey if we accepted the fact that they didn't want to be involved in our lives. How is that any kind of acceptance? That's out of site out of mind.
I'm starting to see them as just people that are not happy with their lives. I am starting to see them as people that have cut everyone from their lives and now only have Casey's sister left in their lives. Part of me really hopes they find this blog and they read it and realize that there is one common denominator throughout their lives as far as cutting family and friends out of their lives.
I don't hate them. I feel sad for them. I feel sad that they are not happy and probably will never be happy. I feel sad that they will never have the chance to see how cool their grandkids are. I feel sad that they don't want to be involved in their lives. I feel sad that they don't know how to be happy. If I was religious, I would say that I'd pray for them. I hope that someone does. I think they could use it. I'd say they should take a page out of Bill & Ted's book and be excellent to each other, but I don't think they could. I honestly don't think they know how. I think a lot of people these days have forgotten how to be excellent to each other.
I know that I'm going to try and do better. I know that I'm going to try and be more understanding with people. I also know, however, that if I see bad behavior I'm going to call it out. I'm done just sitting back and letting things just be.
There are a lot of us out there that were raised the same way - just keep your head down, stay out of trouble, don't make trouble, etc. This, however, needs to change. We need to speak up. We need to make a little bit of trouble. There are people that need help getting their voice heard and I'll be damned if sit back and just let the status quo continue.
We need to be excellent to each other. We need to change the current climate of hate. You can start small. If you think someone needs help - it doesn't have to be anything huge. Like, you see someone struggling with groceries, help them out. If someone is having someone a hard time, maybe take a moment and listen. Be kind, be courteous, be NICE.
Be excellent to each other. And, I guess if ya feel like it, party on dudes!
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