Cuddling or the Obligatory "I love Casey sooo much it's borderline disgusting" Post.

Like most women, I'm a sucker for romance.  I love the idea of being swept off my feet, taken out to a romantic dinner, a moonlit walk, surprised by flowers, etc.  While these are often lumped into the "romantic" category, I think rather than calling it straight up romance, I will call the whole flowers, dinner, dancing, etc.  grand romantic gestures.  

Way back when we first started dating, Casey and I talked about romantic dates.  At the time, he came up with this idea that it would be super romantic to surprise a girl by picking her up, daisy's and a pizza in hand (fun and whimsical, better than the standard roses in my opinion) and taking said girl to a park for an impromptu picnic.  

I can't count the number of times I've been like "Where's my romantic date?!"  I admit it. I've been the crazy girl that has gotten into fights about wanting to be woo'ed.  

Casey loves me so much I often times don't think I'm good enough or enough for her in general.  I know, I'm working on it.  Casey shows me she loves me daily with little things.  Whether it's something huge like cleaning the house or something small like making me a mixed drink or sneaking me a piece of chocolate from our secret adult chocolate stash.  

We were talking about romance the other day, though, and it was funny to hear her version of romance versus mine.   As I said above, I want to be woo'ed.  I want the grand romantic gesture.  For Casey, it's the little things.   Romance for Casey has always been about the friendship, conversations and most recently cuddling on the couch.  

I am fully aware that Casey and I have different tastes in television.  Right now, I'm binge watching Modern Family.  Almost every night for a few weeks now, rather than retreating to her computer, Casey has plopped down on the couch next to me, notebooks and phone on hand if inspiration strikes (she's working on an idea for a video game) and she cuddles with me.  We will snuggle up together, sometimes under a blanket, and watch TV or a movie.  We are just simply being next to each other, hanging out.  

And I'm completely not used to it.  

There have been days when Casey comes and sits and then I ask her if it's okay for me to lean in and snuggle up.  (It always is.) There have been days, like the picture above, where Casey just wants me to hold her and be there.   The love I feel for this woman.... I don't even think I have the vocabulary to even express myself properly.  

I keep reminding myself that we've been through a lot.  This is just the beginning of the journey!  It seems so daunting some days.  About a week ago, Casey and I got into a huge... it wasn't an argument but it wasn't not an argument?  Heated discussion?  Casey was thrilled with the fact that her obliques are no longer looking like male obliques. Her muscle and fat distribution are going to different places.  Casey's obliques have always been a source of fantasy for me.  I have a picture on my phone when Casey was into weight lifting about 6-7 years ago where he has nothing but a board game box covering up his naughty bits.  I love that picture.  You can even conveniently see a chiseled ass reflecting in the mirror behind him (completely by accident, but a happy one nonetheless).   Casey being happy that she is losing her obliques and looking more feminine, while it was a huge happy thing for her, flipped this invisible switch in my brain and it made me so incredibly sad. 

I felt like a such a bitch, too.  Casey was happy and I felt like I was losing my husband.  In a way, I sort of am.  This is something that people don't really talk about much.  What it's like for the straight spouse.  I'll tell you what it's like.  It's fucking hard.   You are in mourning for your spouse.  While it's the same person on the inside, the outside is getting a major overhaul and while you may logically understand that this transition is what your partner needs and that the base person is the same, the new wrapper that person is in takes some getting used to. 

There are days when I wish I could just flip a switch and have the transition done.  I am sure that Casey wants the same thing.  Unfortunately, we don't have the financial resources to make this any faster or easier.  So, we take it a day at a time.  Some days are pretty good.  Some days, not so much.  The over arching theme, though, is that we do love each other and we're working hard on our relationship. 

I may not be used to all the cuddling and snuggling but ya know what?  I'm going to get used to it.  I definitely love it and I love Casey more and more each day.