Voices to Match

 SO, our plans with Betsy fell through.  First, Casey's anxiety got to her (yes, we're trying she/her pronouns now).  Then, our time quickly got away from us.  

Casey has been watching tons of tutorials and after a short trip to Ulta, we now have some foundation that matches skin tone and Casey is starting to learn what she needs to do. 

We have had some more dysphoria this week, though. Casey says it's like one thing gets calmed and then another pops up.  She says it can be really frustrating and makes her feel really crappy at times.  I hate seeing her like this, but there is nothing I can do - this is one of those things that just takes time.

One of the biggest things that is currently bothering Casey is the fact that she has a very deep voice.  Casey has been looking into vocal lessons on youtube and trying to get quotes.  In the state we live in they are supposed to cover vocal training if you're trans, so MAYBE we can get that paid for through insurance.  They cover Casey's estrogen, so that's a bonus. I have no idea what else they will cover going forward.  It's one of those we'll figure it out things.  As I'm writing this post, Casey is actually watching a transwoman on youtube and practicing vocal exercises so she can sound more feminine. 

My therapist yelled at me yesterday.  She says I'm giving too much of a voice to the in-laws and letting them affect me too much.  I 100% agree with her.   After being in the room with Casey during a phone call to her sister (during my panic attack of 2 days), I got ridiculously angry and fired off an email to her.  I know full well that it will get back to their parents and I really don't care.   They're assholes.  While my inner recovering Catholic (and the nice person inside of me) hopes they don't, Casey says it all the time - they can die angry.   

My therapist very much wants to get me to a point where I don't have anxiety anymore.  I don't think that's going to happen until a) I get the COVID vaccine, b) I have met my financial goals and c) certain people apologize for being giant dicks.  Okay, maybe the last one doesn't need to happen.  BUT I do need to get into a headspace where they don't bother me.  

I am becoming more and more okay with the transition.  I don't think I'm 100% comfortable, but I am 100% supportive of Casey.  When we went out the other day and Casey was wearing foundation, mascara and lip balm it kind of surprised me, but it was really easy to adjust.  Her eyelashes, though... Ugh.  Casey's eyelashes are SO MUCH NICER than mine!!  I'm so totally jealous of them!  Casey just laughs whenever I say something like that.   I tell her it's okay, my tits are better.  (Which they totally are.)

The biggest news this past week was the fact that we came out to my Dad.  If I thought anyone was going to react poorly, it was going to be him.  While he is very kind of live and let live, he is 79 years old and kinda homophobic.  I did not think it was going to go well.   Well, it ended up going better than I could have possibly imagined.  He was not only supportive of Casey, but also of our relationship.  He told me that he always thought Casey and I had something special that he didn't necessarily understand but that it is amazing.  He also told me that we have his full support.   We ended up having an hour long conversation and when I hung up, I did the whole complete ugly cry and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.   And then, I remembered once again how Casey's parents reacted and I got angry all over again.  

It's not my battle to fight, but at the same time, I'm married to Casey and while she is completely capable of holding her own, I feel like as her wife, I have to stand up as well.  That calling them out is the right thing to do.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I truly feel like I've been treated as a second class citizen by them and I absolutely refuse to let it continue nor will I allow it to spill over to my beautiful wife. 

So yeah.... that's where we've been this week.  Our anniversary is next week on the 18th.  If you had asked me 2 years ago if I thought we would still be married, I would have probably told you no.  I don't think I thought that we would still be married now.   Not only are we married, but we moved across the country and I'm feeling pretty confident about us.  I think we have been getting closer.  And I'm excited to share.