Letting go and trying to girl.

 This has been probably one of the worst weeks that I've had in a while.  It started with my sister-in-law texting me, me instantly getting rightfully paranoid thinking my mother or father-in-law would be next, my MIL (mom-in-law) texted me at 10:47pm and that threw me into two days of an anxiety attack.  I spent a full day not moving from my bedroom and heavily medicated.  

The second day, SIL (Sis-in-law) called because Casey intervened.  That made me feel even more horrible because I felt like I couldn't advocate for myself, which sent me into another whole anxiety ridden guilt trip.  

Casey and her sister talked for about an hour.  SIL ended up in tears several times.  I felt bad for SIL and I felt bad for Casey because she had to deal with this shit.  SIL apparently wants to be a part of our lives, but for me- actions speak louder than words.  Trying to micromanage the way someone comes out and telling them that maybe they shouldn't tell people doesn't necessarily tell me that you're being supportive.  I'm still very raw.  

The one thing that really pissed me off with the whole conversation, though, was the fact that SIL was STILL advocating on behalf of their parents and has absolutely no clue about what really happened.  Somewhere in her (SIL's) brain, their parents can do no wrong, are absolutely right, blah blah blah.   I cut them off because I had had enough of their crap.  I cut SIL off months ago when she had said something directly to someone I work with on facebook that was rather nasty and could have affected my job.   The parents, though... 

I described it to both Casey and her sister like this.  One of my favorite rom-coms is "Never Been Kissed" starring the lovely Drew Barrymore.  If you haven't seen it, there be spoilers ahead!  

At the end of the movie, Drew Barrymore prevents her young friend played by Leelee Sobieski from getting dog food dumped on her.  The dog food ends up getting dumped on the mean girls and Drew Barrymore goes off, wondering what the hell is wrong with them.  She said something to the effect that she was racking her brains trying to figure out how to make the popular kids like her.  

That is how I've felt for the past 17 years with Casey's parents.  And I'm done.  It's funny.  I have been so angry for the past month.  It has been very uncharacteristic of me.  Normally, I'm this happy-go-lucky person, full of hope and love.  Since we came out to Casey's parents, I have been so angry.  

I was even angrier when my MIL actually texted my daughter late at night.  

I felt like they were trying to manipulate my kids into giving her information.  That pissed me off because it has been radio silence from them since their big blow up.  She should have NEVER texted my daughter.   Text your own child.  

Over the past week, I've realized that for my own sanity, I have to let that shit go.  I'm taking a page from Casey's book this time.  I've said my piece, they know how I feel.  My door is remaining closed to them, but I'm not going to go out of my way to slam it in their face.  

Thursday, the second day of my anxiety attack led to one of the biggest things we've done so far though.  

Casey has been asking a few weeks to go shopping.  I had been putting it off for no particular reason.  After the long conversation with SIL, I decided I needed a pattern interrupt and we went to Goodwill and bought a bunch of cute tops for Casey.  It was the first time we had shopped specifically for her in the women's section.  

I started going through the racks, pulling stuff out and throwing it in a cart.  Casey, a little less sure of herself, was very nervous.   At one point, I held up a top and said "You would look super cute in this!"  Casey leaned down and whispered "Can you please be a little quieter?"  Casey is very nervous about shopping, especially when she's in "boy mode."  

I'm really trying to reconcile how quickly things are moving.  Part of me is okay with the changes and then part of me really scares me.  I'm sure that's normal.  It's one thing that I'll either get used to it or not... I don't want to think about the not. 

Today Casey and I are meeting up with a friend to talk about makeup.  My friend, Betsy, is going to help us match Casey's skintone for foundation and maybe get her started on a natural makeup look.  We also cleaned up Casey's eyebrows.   I think today is going to be a dysforia day, but I'm not positive right now.  

When I texted Betsy yesterday, she asked me what Casey was looking for.  I asked Casey and she said "I have zero preconceived notions or experience."  We both kind of giggled.  Casey has been looking at tutorials since Thursday.  I think she's excited. 

I'll try to post about the experience later.