Little blue-green pills...
Casey was excited. Casey was nervous. I wanted to document the whole thing, but he took it without telling me. I don't mind being left out of the loop, but at the same time I was disappointed that I didn't shoot a video or something. Casey did take a "before" picture in the bathroom mirror.
HIS before picture - scruffy, unshaven, you can see a sadness in his eyes. I really need to get used to using Casey's correct pronouns - it will take some doing. We have another trans friend, Jake. I will unfortunately occasionally do what they call dead naming. Either Casey or I instantly correct myself, but it still happens and we've known Jay was trans for YEARS.
January 20 was Casey's intake. We get a new president, one who flat out said "Transwomen are women." AND Casey gets their prescription for Estrogen all in the same day. I tried to work for most of the day. I'm thankful that I work in a field where I can either be at home and support my family as need be or I can adjourn to my office, where I can have some peace and quiet. I love my family, but sometimes it's hard to get things done at home when you're spouse is homeschooling. I was worked up. I have been worked up for a while. I'm sure Casey has been worse than me.
The intake was virtual due to covid. The paperwork was incredibly thorough and there was a lot of information to go over. I sat in the room, hanging out on the bed for most of the conversation. There was one point that Casey teared up. It was a happy kind of tearing up, though. Joyous. I hugged him and then proceeded to go to the bathroom to get some tissues. I sat on the bed, silent, tears slowly streaking down my face.
I wanted to be so strong and so supportive for Casey and I felt like I failed on so many levels. I went in the bathroom for my water that I had left on the counter and when I came back Casey had thrown away the tissues (they've been on a re-organization and cleaning kick lately... I think it has been a lot of nervous energy). I said "Hey, you threw away my tissues. I wasn't done with them." Casey said "I thought it was just a dirty tissue, they looked used up. Why do you need tissues anyway?"
I'm fairly sure I gave them this incredulous look. Something that said "I know you're happy and relieved that this is happening, but did ya not notice that I'm in complete tears over here?" I said "Really?!" and did a whole look at my face motion with my hand.
"Oh. OHHHHH!!!!" It hit them. And then I lost it.
I had recorded the entire conversation with the intake on my phone. I wanted to be able to write about it later. I let it keep recording as I cried and told Casey how I felt.
No matter what Casey says about how they're going to be the same person, that they're not changing, I very much argue it. Yes, they may be the same person but at the same time it's going to be a very different Casey that I will be dealing with.
I married a man. I grew up with this man. Casey is the father of my children. Casey is the man that I have been in love with since I was 15. There are family portraits on the wall, pictures of me and Casey on the wall... that is not going to be the same person in a short time. I feel very much like while my marriage is currently intact, I feel like I am mourning the death of a person very near and dear to me. In a way, that is very much what is happening. The old Casey is dead. Make way for the new and improved Casey.
My biggest fear right now is not the transition. My biggest fear is that Casey loves the new him, but I can't handle being married to him as a her. It makes me feel like the biggest most selfish bitch in the world.
This morning, Casey got up and was feeling some heartburn. They took their pill, and started feeling an anxiety attack coming on so I made them take his prescription anxiety pill. They took it before I had to leave for work. I wanted to be home by 12:30, but my day got away from me and I didn't walk through the door until 4. Casey was asleep when I walked in. It's 5:30 now and I decided to let them sleep.
I called after I got to my office to check in on them. He was "okay." I texted our oldest and told her to keep an eye on Casey and text me if I need to come home. I had to put it out of my mind because otherwise I would have gotten nothing accomplished and I had a contract to put together.
I feel completely emotionally spent. I'm also mentally exhausted because it feels like this is the only thing that I can think about. I'm glad that I've got therapy on Thursday. I'm trying to tell myself tomorrow is going to be a better day. I'm really really really trying. I have a mentor that tells me "Mindset is everything." You have to be in the right mindset. He's not wrong. Normally I am the one that is the cheerleader. Normally, I'm the one telling people it's going to get better. Normally, I'm the one that has a smile on their face- the brave one, pushing people out of their comfort zone. I really really really wish I could swallow my own pill.
Damn gag complex. All I want to do is sit and cry. At least I can try and do what my therapist calls a pattern interrupt and go for a walk.
Tomorrow will be better. Right?
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