February 6, 2019 - Coming Out Part 1

Author's Note: This particular post is from my perspective.  This blog is our story, but it is also an outlet for me.  While I am grateful to my close friends, who know this story and are very supportive of not just Casey, but myself, this blog is very much for all the spouses out there that have a partner that is transitioning.  I am writing this not only as a way to kind of help me process my thoughts but maybe there are some pieces of it that may bring others some kind of support or comfort.  I intend to be very open and honest with my feelings and I hope that helps whoever may need it.

Casey had been agitated all evening. 

He had been pacing the floor, when he sat down at his computer he couldn't (wouldn't?) sit still.  Something was going on.  I was tired but excited.  I was finishing up packing for our impending road trip to Florida.  In just a few days we would be leaving a very cold Granger, Indiana for a sunny and warm Orlando, Florida.  I had been wanting to take this trip for years but we couldn't really afford it until recently.  

 The plan was I wanted to share our 15th anniversary with our kids.  I wanted to take our kids to Disney and Universal studios and wanted to very much make it a family event rather than a romantic trip (we had had a   couple of those to Las Vegas the past few years).  We had told the kids that they would not be going to school on Friday morning because we had a dentist appointment.  What was supposed to happen is that we were going to have everything in the car, ready to go, and drive past the dentist and be all like "Surprise! We're going to Disney!" 

 Unfortunately, I'm usually the worst secret keeper and I made the kids guess the previous night about where we were going.  They were excited about going to Florida.

Something was wrong that night.  Casey finally came into the bedroom, it was late - close to midnight.  He sat on the edge of our bed and asked me if we could talk.  I moved the suitcase and sat down next to him.  Thinking back on the moment, I'm wondering if I looked annoyed.  I honestly was expecting him to tell me that he didn't want to go on the trip, that he felt uncomfortable with the thought of dealing with all the crowds, or even that he was leaving me.  I honestly have no idea for who, but the thought popped in there. 

Casey tucked one leg under himself, trying to get comfortable. I remember how much fidgeting he did.  It was movement for the sake of movement. Something was definitely bothering him.  I gently pressed him, "Are you going to talk to me?"

It just came out.... "I think I want to be a woman."  

It felt like a bomb dropped.  It was very quickly followed with what I can only describe as verbal diarrhea.  Everything, every word, seemed to be coming out of Casey's mouth all at once.  I don't think I could possibly even begin to remember everything else that was said.  Everything came out of his mouth so fast.  I was stuck on the first phrase - "I think I'm a woman."  I didn't hear anything else until the words "And if it comes time, if I need to, I'll help you find another man."

What. The. Fuck. 

I was stunned.  Not so much by the "I think I'm a woman" part but the "I'll help you find another man" part.  I don't know what I said about that.  I do know there were a lot of tears.  I remember hugging Casey, wanting to impart whatever little strength that I had and give it to Casey. I sat there and held him while he sobbed.  These were deep, racking sobs. 

My first reaction was to hold Casey.  I don't think I've ever held on to him so tightly.  He's telling me all of this and in the back of my mind I am thinking that my marriage is ending and all I wanted to do was hold on to him so tightly that he couldn't possibly leave.  On top of that, I just paid a non-refundable amount of money for a Disney Vacation and now that was completely ruined.  (It wasn't, by the way... it was tough, but it wasn't ruined.)

We talked, we fell asleep.  I woke up and started my day with errands.  I texted Casey constantly.  I told him that I loved him.  I don't know what I was thinking other than my marriage was falling apart.  I know very much I wanted to talk to someone about it.  I didn't know who to talk to about it.  The one thing I did know is that I did not want Casey to see how upset I was.  I was (and still am) very protective of his feelings.

One of the errands I was doing was actually some self-maintenance. I had an appointment with my waxer that morning.  I left the house way too early and sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes, scrolling on my phone for trans resources and a therapist.  I found a therapist accepted by our insurance, and after 10 minutes on the phone, we set the earliest appointment we could - a week after we got back from vacation.  

The whole time I was on the phone, I was trying not to cry. I wanted to sound like I had it all together. Like I wasn't falling apart inside. The therapist I made an appointment with actually said "Wow, you've had a lot to deal with. How are you coping?"  I honestly had no idea.  I had been dealing with a lot of guilt over my Mom prior to Casey's coming out and thought I needed therapy, but hadn't looked into it.  I have always joked that I thrive in chaos.  

 I walked into my appointment and my esthetician knew that something was up.  She shut the door, asked me if I was okay and I just lost it.  Buckets of tears, snot, shaking like a leaf, great gasping breaths.  I got out four words in between breaths: "My. Husband. Is. Trans."  

My esthetician grabbed a box of tissues, sat down and hugged me.  She stayed there, just hugging me for I don't know how long.  I felt like I had betrayed Casey's trust.  I also felt, saying it out loud, that it was very very real.  That made me feel like my marriage was definitely ending and thus, made me cry even harder.   She ultimately made me feel a little better.  She actually gave me the phone number of some local resources and a couple of websites to look up.  

The biggest thing for me, though, is that I felt like I had support.   I didn't tell Casey.  I didn't want him to feel like I had betrayed this huge confidence.  I told a random person, not someone close.  My esthetician, I think, was the perfect person to spill my guts to.  After about 20 minutes of crying, we did our thing and I went home.   I also felt incredibly selfish.  This wasn't about me, this was about Casey.  I felt I wasn't handling it well, like I needed to be more supportive. I felt like if I let him see me cry, that would so hurtful to him. 

I lied to my husband.  I told him I was okay.  In the back of my mind, I wanted to escape.  I felt like if we weren't here, then I wouldn't have to deal with it.  I decided we were going to leave for Florida a day early. In my head, if we left a day earlier, we could start our family vacation anniversary celebration and I could put this out of my mind.  

I somehow convinced Casey that we needed to leave a day early, that it meant we would have more time at the rental house, more time for the kids to swim and have fun and more time at the parks. I relentlessly planned what we were going to do, when we were going to do it.  We were planning on meeting up with Casey's parents who were living a couple of hours away from Orlando at the time and they would be joining us on our Disney day.   It was supposed to be the perfect family vacation. We would have pictures from the Magic Kingdom showing the world how happy we were. 

We got on the road on a Thursday late morning.  The car was packed, kids had entertainment, snacks and gas were acquired.  We headed south.  

Casey took the first leg of the trip.  I took pictures in the car, trying to be silly/fun, lighthearted. I posted goofy videos to facebook. I'm fairly sure no one knew exactly how I was feeling.  I say that, but there were also long stretches of silence where I would just sit and stare out the window.   Casey tried to talk to me about being trans and while I sat and listened, occasionally asked questions, mostly everything went in one ear and out the other.  The one question that I wanted to ask was not one that I was yet brave enough to ask: "Is our marriage over?"

The first night we made it to Tennesee.  We got Wendy's for dinner.  Casey and I laughed at the pathetic excuse for bacon they had put on his baconator burger.  When the kids fell asleep in the hotel room watching cartoons on the tv, Casey and I made out.  It was passionate and I felt a little dirty with the kids asleep in the next bed over.  I pushed the thought out of my head, though, because in my mind I was thinking "maybe he's not trans..."  It didn't occur to me at the time that just because he's trans doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, find me attractive or want to make out with me.  

We finally arrived at our rental home in Florida on Sunday morning.  The kids instantly chose their own bedrooms and wanted to go swimming.  We naturally indulged them and went about unpacking stuff.  We had brought some snacks and soda from home and stocked the fridge.  I unpacked some of our clothes and Casey watched the kids as they jumped in the pool.  

A few hours later, Casey's parents arrived and we chatted and caught up.  We hadn't seen them since they moved to Florida a few months earlier.  We told them about how I found my birth family in the Tampa Bay area of Florida, how I had talked to my birth mom, sister and brother on the phone.  I shared pictures with them that my birth family had sent over.  I had told them about how we were planning on taking a trip down in June to meet them, just Casey and I.  We talked about how the weather was amazing and even though it was in the mid 70s, we were breaking out into a sweat.  We commented about how green everything was compared to Indiana and I made the comment "I totally get why people move here."  This was based on less than 24 hours in the state.  The sunshine... that's what gets you.

It was a nice visit.  On the surface everything seemed fine. Underneath, I don't know about Casey, but I was a complete mess.  We were both grateful that the visit only lasted that evening and then the next day.  I think between the two of us we were both 100% exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally.

Wednesday rolled around.  We had spent one day at Magic Kingdom, one day at Animal Kingdom and when we woke up Wednesday we were going to try to do Hollywood Studios but it was rainy and cold.  It was an absolutely miserable day.  I woke up in a horrible mood and it got worse as the day went on.  We ended up staying home and watching Rick & Morty and getting comfort food from Crackerbarrel. 

Thursday was Universal.  Our entire family are Harry Potter fans. Walking into Diagon Alley was a dream.  We had butter beer, we watched the dragon spew fire on top of Gringots, our son got selected to do the Ollivander's wand thing. I bought my own wand and as I tried to be excited, I looked at the pictures my eyes gave away everything.  I kept the kids close to me, hanging onto them. Not knowing what was going to happen to our family. 

Here we are two years later.  Casey is still Casey.  I'm still Jess.  We are still very much in love.  

Casey is excited.  We have come out to our immediate family and a few select friends.  Once I post this, we'll be coming out to pretty much everyone.   Since Casey finally came out to his family, his anxiety has calmed down quite a bit.  He hasn't had a panic attack in almost a month (the last one was a couple of days before he came out to his parents).  I think Casey is one of the most brave people in the world.  I also think this is a good thing.  He has been trying to figure himself out for so long and coming out has been such a relief to him.  You can see it in his face - he looks happy for the first time in a long time.  He doesn't look beaten down, sad or exhausted right now.  He looks lighter. 

I asked him this morning how he felt when he came out to me back in 2019.  He said the biggest thing was relief.  He was also scared that I would leave him.  We have had the divorce discussion several times.  Right now, I'm along for the ride.  No matter what, I'm supportive of his decision to go on hormones, transition, whatever he wants to do.  

I have learned these past 2 years that I definitely need to be more open about how I'm feeling with him.   I am allowed to feel how I feel.  I can have days where I am upset and I need to take time to process conversations that we had (and we have a LOT of conversations).   Before, I'd go hide in the bathroom or our closet.  I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry.  Some of it had to deal with the grief that I was feeling over my Mom's passing but some of it also had to do with how I felt about the whole trans thing.  Writing, for me, has always been an outlet to process how I feel about stuff.   I have kept a journal since I was 15; my first one given to me by one of my best friends.  In that very first journal I wrote her that I thought that Casey and I were in it for the long haul and so far that has been very very true.  

I honestly don't see myself going anywhere and neither does Casey.  We are both realistic that it is a possibility that either he or I may want to call it quits at some point, but right now we are both committed to each other and that is the important part. We both know a lot of marriages where one spouse transitions end in divorce.  He says that he couldn't have done this without me.  I say I couldn't have made it through this past year without him.  

This is our story.  There will be parts that will be good.  There will be parts will be bad.  And there will be the parts in between that just seem like normal, every day, blah blah blah.  We will just have to wait and see how it goes. 

And, if I haven't said it to you yet... Thank you for your support.  Even if it's just a hug or asking us how we're doing.  It means a lot. 

Feb. 18, 2004. Courthouse wedding.