The part where my anxiety, ADHD, holidays, etc catch up to me.

I had a meltdown.  

I was running.  Running, running, running.  Everyone was saying it, too.  "Jess, slow down."  "Take a break, you deserve it." 

I broke. 

I'm still a little broken, but I'm coming back.  I'm trying to put a plan in place so I don't completely break again.  My ADHD and anxiety make for interesting bedfellows and when I'm running in the negative without spoons to give, there is only so much a girl deal with.  

I threw myself into work to the detriment that I didn't get to spend hardly any time with my 80-year-old Dad who actually DROVE from KENTUCKY to visit me, Casey, and his grandkids for a couple of weeks. 

Less than two minutes after I waved at him as he drove out of the driveway, I was sitting in the recliner nearly hyperventilating, tears streaming down my face because I felt like the worst daughter in the world.  Even though my Dad said that he understood I had to work and that I didn't have to keep him entertained, I still felt bad because I want to spend as much time with my Dad as possible.  

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself.  I've been on edge because of Thanksgiving and Christmas, still thinking maybe Casey's parents will try and call.  They didn't call.  I was still walking on eggshells, constantly asking Casey if she was okay.  This is truly HER first Christmas.  Damn, I should have bought her an ornament. Is it too late to do that?  

I wanted this Christmas to be so ridiculously special and I wanted to have all of the holiday fun. Instead, there I was, pulling my hair out on two difficult transactions.  At the end of the day I was completely mentally exhausted, my dad wondering why I was on the phone so much dealing with this mess, why I was letting it bug me so much.  

He would bring it up to Casey "why is she on the phone so much?"  And Casey would explain "That's her job.  She's really good at it, but she doesn't know how to stop."  My Dad would agree with him and the minute I would get off the phone for two seconds my Dad would say "Why don't you just cool it, Jess." On more than one occasion he would suggest I take a break.  "Why don't you take a break, Jess?"  I know he wanted me to go out and play...

I told my Dad that I would love to stop and take a break, then I would laugh.  Inside, I would be screaming.  My mind was quite the dramatic place.  The internal version of me was sitting there, screaming, tearing at her hair, clothes, etc., tears streaming down her face.  In my mind, I had plans of things that I wanted to do with my Dad.  I wanted to refinish my coffee table, take out a couple of trees, plant a few others, get his help with a few other home improvement things and finally fix the house plan for his casita we're building. 

I want to soak up all of his stories and anecdotes.  I want to look at old pictures with him and learn about who is in the picture, when they were taken, where, etc.  I realize that I don't have a lot of time with my Dad left on this Earth and I want to have as many adventures with him as I can. I needed a really good cry.  I also needed a day.  I keep pushing myself - harder and harder.  I am pushing myself hard out of hope that eventually I feel like I have enough, like I can finally stop and enjoy my time.  The question remains, however, how much is enough?  

It's so funny - Casey has been so reassuring to me.  She has been the one that says "we have plenty, we're okay."  And I say yes, we're okay, but we're not GREAT.  I want to be GREAT.  Will I ever feel like enough is enough?  I have no idea.   

Money, I have discovered, really stresses me out.  I see everything that Casey wants to do as far as the transition - eventual augmentation, facial feminization, voice lessons to help her drop her voice, clothes, make-up, etc.   I want to help her with this so much.  I also know that it is a source of a lot of fear, especially for me, to have Casey go and get a job.  Casey has said time and time again that she will happily go get a job if need be.  I also know that Casey is no where in the right head space to even begin looking for a job outside the home.  So, that means I have to work twice as hard so I can save money to actually go towards the things she needs (or wants for that matter). 

I have, for the entire year, felt very much not in control of anything surrounding me.  I have felt lost and I have been searching for a map that does not exist.  

And now, here we are.  A year and a few days after Casey comes out to her family.   I have tried to let go and not give a shit about them, but they are still back there.  It's less and less and I tell myself that they are horrible people and they do not deserve any of the brain cycles that may be used on them on at least a weekly basis.    

Casey came up to me a little while ago and asked me if I knew the exact date that she came out to her parents.  I pulled up the blog, my journal, and the photos.  I knew I had either an audio or video recording of the whole thing.  

Turns out I have video.  

We made it maybe two minutes in.  His Mom, switching from this weird little kid voice, to what I'm calling the tone police, to both her and Casey's father thinking the worst of I don't know if it was towards Casey or towards me (probably a combo of the two).  The thing that both of her parents said that really pissed me off was "divorce doesn't just happen."  

We have never once mentioned anything about divorce.  Neither Casey nor I have EVER wanted to separate or divorce during this whole year.   Not gonna lie, there were a couple of days here or there when both of us thought the other was done. But not once have we ever discussed these feelings, even before the transition began, with Casey's parents.  Nor would we ever discuss it with them.

Yes, there is still a lot of insecurity on both of our parts.  We have both wondered if the other will leave.   I have tried to as honest as possible with Casey about my feelings.  I know that honesty and communicating about how we both feel is the only thing that will keep our marriage intact. There are still a lot of things that we have to talk about and there are still a lot of things that we will face in our marriage that could be issues going forward.   We just move forward, one day at a time.  Some days, that's all we can do.  Some days, it takes everything just to put one foot in front of another.  

Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and I'm going to go to work.  Tomorrow, Casey's going to get up and take our son to school and then make sure our youngest gets on the bus.   Tomorrow, I'm going to do everything I can to have a good day.  Casey's going to do the same.  Right now, that's about all we can do.  And honestly?  I think that's perfectly okay.   

It's another year.  We're still here on this planet.  We have another day to make things good.  We have another day to fix what we want.  We have another day, week, month, year to try and make things as good as we can.  We have another year to, no matter how we are treated, to treat others kindly.  That doesn't mean we have to treat everyone kindly, but we should treat people with at least a modicum of respect.  

I know quite a few people that could stand to learn that lesson.