Thankful for...

"Fuck."  I scowled as I walked back into the kitchen.  It was Thanksgiving day, the Macy's Parade was on in the background, my Dad was chatting on the phone with one of his buddies outside next to the pool and Casey and I were in full Thanksgiving meal prep mode.  

Casey, cleaning up some of the mess we were making, stopped and looked at me.  "What's wrong?"  She asked.

"I was having a perfectly good day until the thought crossed my mind that your parents might call."  I said, grabbing a cheese stick out of the fridge to munch on.    

Casey stopped what she was doing and looked me.  "They're not going to call," she said.  It came out of her mouth sounding more like an accusation than a statement.   She was so positive. 

"What makes you think that?"  In the back of my mind, I had already started running the different scenarios in my head of what would happen if the phone rang and their number popped up on caller ID.  What if another number from Indiana popped up?  Or what about Wisconsin?  If we answered the phone from either of those states would we be safe?  I could feel my anxiety building.  Maybe it was time for an edible? A small dose - something to take the edge off. 

"Do you really think they'll call?"  Casey asked.  Her tone was slightly sarcastic.  There might have even been an air of "I dare ya!" in her voice.   I just looked at her and blinked.  "They're not going to call."

"You don't think they'll call? Why don't you think they'll call?"  I was honestly stupefied.  While I may not have called my family on Thanksgiving, I texted a good majority of them (I would be on the phone hours if I called and texted every single family member).   You should at least reach out to family on Thanksgiving, right?  That's what you're supposed to do.  It's the holidays! Holidays are about family!  Why wouldn't I expect a phone call? 

And that's when Casey said the most wonderful thing.  

"They never call."  

She was absolutely, 100%, no ands, ifs or buts, completely and totally right.   Casey's parents never called on Thanksgiving.  Casey or I would always call on Thanksgiving to say hello.  It was at that moment that I can say that I was set free.  

I never have to think of these people again.  They never call.  They never text.   We have been the driving force keeping that relationship afloat.  This past year, not sending them cards, not calling on birthdays, not sending flowers or goodies on mothers day; I have felt guilty for my lack of participation as it were.  My Mom, if she had been alive and coherant, would have said "You're not doing your part."  It didn't matter that these people have acted horribly to not only me but my children and my wife (there own child!) as well.  

It finally stuck.  They want nothing to do with us.  I'm okay with that.  Casey is still coming to terms with that.  There are still days that she misses the woman that gave birth to her (I have a hard time calling her a mom, especially after her behavior).    She wishes that she could talk to her mom about anything and everything.  She still asks herself on a weekly (possibly daily, I don't know all of the inner workings of her head) basis why these people don't love her? What did she do wrong?

The answer is nothing, my love.  You have done nothing wrong.  These people are the way they are because that's the way they are.  There is nothing that you can do to change that.  If they don't want to be a part of our lives, then that's their choice.  It is not up to us.  We cannot make them do anything.  

That whole blood is thicker than water thing?  That's only half of the saying.  The full thing goes: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."  A lot of people leave those parts out.  I was raised to think "blood is thicker than water" meant that family was more important than friends.  Blood of the covenant - a covenant is a bond that you choose to make.   Friends are the family you choose.  You don't have to love your family.  You don't even have to like your family.  You don't have to participate in your family if you don't want to. 

I choose not to participate with them any longer.  I choose not to let them live rent free in my brain.   It just hasn't fully computed that I didn't have to participate.   Casey helped me see that.     I am thankful for the amazing gift that Casey gave me.   I hope that I can return the favor.