Lab Tests & Anxiety

It's currently 9:30am on a Wednesday and I'm very tired.  It has been a busy week and next week is already booked up as well.  

Casey was supposed to go for a blood draw on Monday.  It was her first blood draw to see where her estrogen levels were.  Normally, I would go with her to this type of appointment because her anxiety can be pretty high with this type of thing.  Unfortunately, I had my own appointment (therapy) and couldn't make it.  

I was really proud of Casey on Monday when she walked out of the house.  She was in what we are calling "girl mode."  This means she was wearing primarily feminine style clothing.  Nothing too outlandish - a cute top, leggings, vans.  I had given her one of my Coach purses to use and this was the first time that she had left the house in girl mode without me.  I think I was more excited than Casey.  I instantly texted my friends Stazi and Suzanne on our group chat and told them.  We were all like "WHOO HOO!" 

Twenty minutes later, though, Casey called me in tears.  She said that she had no idea that the lab place was inside Walmart, there were too many people, and her anxiety was off the charts.  I could hear in her voice that she was extremely upset.  I gently told her that I would be home in an hour, that she should just go home and we would reschedule.  I tried to make it not a big deal.  It wasn't until last night when we had both partaken in an edible, that I told her that I had been so proud of her for going out of the house in girl mode.   

The conversation turned to how passing is always going to be hard for Casey.  She's 6'2", very broad-shouldered, and has a superhero jawline.  She doesn't think she'll ever fully be considered feminine.   We both wish there was a switch that we could flip to make her as feminine as possible as quickly as possible, but the process takes years.  

I say that I wish I could flip that switch, but at the same time there are days where I'm like "I miss my husband."  I miss the face scruff, the goatee.  And in that same breath, there are times now where I can see genuine happiness coming from Casey.  I would trade the face scruff, the abs, everything for seeing Casey happy all the time.  The other day we were sitting on the couch and I looked over and Casey was just sitting here, completely serene.  SHE was glowing.  When I told her she was glowing, she blushed. Casey had no idea how to feel about that.

Unfortunately, happy doesn't always happen.  Like Monday, happy was hard to find.  It also didn't help that Monday we had to take the kids to the dentist for a second opinion first thing in the morning.  Add in a relatively restless night and lots of nerves about going for a blood draw.  Yeah.... 

Long story short, the blood draw was rescheduled for today.  Casey was up well before me.  I have no idea what time. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, though, in a posture I knew well.  And then I saw the clothes - guy mode. Button down Hawaiian style shirt, jeans, sneakers, no jewelry, nothing special. Guy mode.  I got up, threw my hair in a pony tail, threw on my own tee shirt and jeans and worked a bit before we headed out of the house.  

Casey was nervous, but was called in for the draw fairly quickly.  When she came out, she was still amped up with anxiety, but it was definitely lessened.  I asked how it was and that was when she told me what had happened in the back.  When they called Casey back, they kept looking behind her.  On the forms that that Plume uses, (Plume is who we are getting Casey's hormones through) they gendered Casey as female because that's where she is heading toward.  Of course you'd be looking for a woman.  

Casey went back and the nurse double checked again, asked her name, and was kind of confused that it gendered her as female. Especially since she was in "guy mode."  Totally understandable.  This was the first time that Casey had to explain, in public, that she is transitioning.  

From what I understand, they were perfectly okay with it.  Nothing was said to her that was rude or anything else like that.  It was just a surprise for them.  I am thankful that they weren't rude or anything like that.  As cranky as I was when I woke up this morning, it's entirely possible that I would have been quite nasty to someone.  

Thinking about it, I should have given Casey a xanax before we left.  I mentioned it to her, but didn't follow through.  My brain was in "have shit to accomplish" mode.  Next time, definitely.  

The next step is another doctor's appointment.  I think the plan is to add in progesterone to the mix.  The estrogen seems to be working and she is consistently in a better mood than before.  We just need to keep moving forward. I'm excited for Casey and for us.