Coming Out Part 2: The Family

The moment Casey came out.

 There were three phone calls that took place.  We had talked   about "coming out" all weekend.  How did we want to do it? Did   we just want to rip the bandaid? I had wanted to do this whole   video where there were pictures of both Casey and I growing up   and then release it to everyone around our anniversary.  I wanted   to do this whole "this is our love story" kind of thing. Show   people that we're a united front, that I support Casey and we are   still very much in love. 

 That didn't happen.  

 Casey woke up on a Monday morning, agitated, and decided that   we should call their parents.  So we did.  

 Back, pre-covid, Casey's parents came to visit us.  I was working   and had to work the next morning.  It was during that visit that   Casey came out to them as bi.  For them it was kind of a great big   duh.  When Casey was little, they had a penchant for saddle shoes   and neon.  Casey was also tortured by people at school on a regular basis.  They were bullied, called faggot, etc.  Casey has often said "it would be so much easier if I was gay."  Casey very much liked the women, though.  They had lots of girlfriends growing up.  

The phone call to their parents... Casey started out by telling them what they had told his parents was a cop out.  That they hadn't told the whole truth.  Casey told them: "I'm trans."  There was a long silence.  Followed by their parents asking what that meant.  There was talking.  There were questions.  Casey asked them what they wanted to know.  Their parents asked if we had told their sister.  No, we hadn't.  That was next our on list.  The parents asked for a break.  Casey said no problem.  We hung up and we called their sister.  

While Casey was on the phone, I texted his sister.  I said "Casey is going to call you in a little bit. You need to answer his call.  It is very important. He needs to talk to you." 

His sister texted back and asked what was up.  I said that it wasn't my story to tell but she needed to pick up the phone.  

Casey talked to their sister and she was like "duh."  And then proceeded to kind of laugh about how Casey had allowed her to put makeup on and play dress up with Casey to an age that would generally be frowned upon in polite society.  Casey kind of laughed and they talked for a while.  And then things went south.   

I won't get into the specifics, but I will say that Casey felt like their sister was being very condescending and putting words in their mouth.  Casey was agreeing with everything she was saying regarding the need for therapy.  Casey was agreeing that therapy was going to be massively important.  The sister, on the other hand... would not allow Casey to get a word in edgewise.  

I had to step out of the room because it was Monday and clients were blowing up my phone.  I kept hearing the voices get louder and louder, so I concluded what I had to do and went back into the bedroom.  

Casey's sister had her own "coming out."  Her story is not mine to tell, but let's just say that I don't believe that her partner has been fully accepted by the family.   I felt like she was trying to hijack Casey's coming out and tell them that they were doing it wrong.  Words like emotional consent were thrown around.  We had to have the parents emotional consent before we did something like this.  Seriously.  What the fuck?   

There is no wrong or right way to do this.  The only certain thing is that keeping this bottled was slowly killing Casey.  Emotional consent had NOTHING to do with this.  We weren't pushing an agenda down anyone's throats.  We were simply telling them that this is what has been going on with Casey.  We were looking at Casey transitioning.  Casey would be starting estrogen. All that needed to be said was "Okay, I love you and I'm here for you."  

That never came.  It was more of a lecture about what Casey had done had been handled poorly and how Casey could have done better. Casey looked like about 10 pounds of weight had been lifted off his shoulder.  I don't know how either of us really expected it to go.  Maybe a little more I love you's and I support you's.  

There were lots of questions from the parents as far as had we told the kids, was Casey aware of what this was going to do to the family.  The short answer is yes.  The longer answer starts with yes and no.  We ultimately can't predict the future.  

We had one day of breathing easy.  I told my boss what was going on and he said "whatever you need" and has been incredibly supportive, asking me how I'm doing, etc.  They know that I'm going to do what I can to not let this effect my work and the nice thing is, I can work from home if necessary. 

But then, Wednesday happened.   I don't remember what time this happened; I think it was early afternoon?  Casey's parents called us back.  They texted me to see if he was awake which I assumed he was (I was at the office or on a showing).  I came home and Casey was on the phone with them.  It was not the best conversation to walk in on.  There was lots of shouting from their side of the phone.  They were saying that Casey was going to destroy the family, that our kids were going to be in horrible places mentally, that they would get tortured because of Casey's CHOICE.   Casey was told that he needed to man up and suck it up.  Casey was told that he had to stay in the closet because his family deserves better.

My parents divorced when I was 10.  I can remember as far back as the age of 7 listening to my parents argue.  They would always wait until I was in bed.  I remember wishing that my parents would get divorced.  What kid knows what divorce is at the age of 7? (Apparently, me.) I remember thinking that they would be better off away from each other.  I think that was when I developed my "skill" of deflecting with humor.  I should've been a comedian. 

I didn't hear the rest of the conversation in its entirety. There were heated words about mental illness and how this is not a mental illness; Casey tried to explain things to them and the parents got louder and louder.  Because yes, getting shouty fixes everything.  (That's sarcasm, folks.)

The story ends with Casey hanging up and walking out of our bedroom and telling me "They are not allowed to set foot in this house unless there is an apology."  

It has been two weeks. 

Now, I've had my own issues with Casey's parents.  Particularly his Father.  He has consistently been dismissive of me and of mine and Casey's relationship.  Prior to Casey and I getting married, they visited and stayed in our house.  Casey's dad started arguing with Casey over something and I made a comment that they needed to calm down and stop butting heads.  Casey's dad told me to shut up.  If I had been the person I am today, I would have put the kabosh on that right then and there.   I look back on the incident and I am absolutely livid.  He was telling me to shut up in my own house.  If I had been that disrespectful to him in his house, I would have gotten kicked out.   I was a shrinking violet, though.  I didn't want any further confrontation and I went to bed.  

I have ALWAYS been an upbeat person and I probably take a lot more crap than I should.  It's one thing to disrespect me.  I can handle myself now.  You disrespect my family though?  Nope!

On top of that, Casey's parents informed us that Casey's sister had informed them that Casey was refusing to go to therapy.  I heard that and I was instantly like "Bitch, I got receipts."  While Casey had initially been fighting therapy, they agreed that it was absolutely necessary.  We did not want to start this process without having a therapist to talk to.  

I had blocked Casey's sister and her family from my social media several months ago for another incident that occurred between her, her partner and another work colleague of mine.  Now, I'm completely done with the whole family. 

I deleted and blocked his parents from my social media completely.  

I have been fighting for some sort of acceptance from them for too long.  We used to live 5 minutes away from them.  I have always reached out to them on various occasions and invited them to dinners, school functions to see the kids participate, we've invited them over for birthdays.  They never want to participate.  It has always felt like pulling teeth to try and get them to interact with our family.  With Casey being treated the way he was, the switch was finally able to be turned off.  That makes me sad not just for Casey but for our children.  

There has to be a very very large apology from them.  This is not something that Casey is doing on purpose.  This is not something that Casey purposefully went about doing. Casey has been struggling for years with this - worried to lose me, to lose his family.  This is the way Casey was born.  Casey has always been this way.  For the majority of Casey's life, it's been miserable. Lots of bullying, lots of fights.  There were even several trips to the hospital because Casey was beaten up, pepper sprayed, tortured... That absolutely breaks my heart. 

We weren't expecting nor did we want anything from them except for maybe some understanding that Casey is going through a really hard time.  Just an "I love you, I support you." would have been nice to hear.  

I am still mad.  I'm probably more angry than Casey.  I want more than anything just to turn my brain off and not think about them ever again.  I know I'm going to stew about it.  Casey predicts that what they will do is get the vaccine and show up unannounced.  I told him that I would not be the one opening that door.   Casey said that if they do show up anytime in the near future that he would very politely tell them thank you for stopping by, but we don't want them here right now and that a very very large apology must be given.  

I don't think we'll hear from them for quite a while.  Part of me really hopes I'm wrong, but I'm fairly sure I'm right.  Casey's birthday will come and go in May and we won't hear from either their sister or their parents.   If I'm wrong, I'll be pleasantly surprised.